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Apr. 8th, 2014

Destiny's doings

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder if fate actually exists? If destiny is the moving force that keeps us going, that makes it all fall into place?

I have been almost obsessed with love and being in love my whole life. Right up to the point where I actually fell in love. Or maybe it was somewhere along the track of what felt like my ever-lasting relationship. I fell out of love with love. I stopped thinking about that one person that was breathing somewhere out there in the world. I started to push myself into the remains of my frail relationship. I dug a whole so deep and attached myself to the very bottom of it. It took everything for me to get out of it. When I got out I had lost my love for love. Not too long after…not too long after at all, I regained it. It was too late though. I knew there is no one person for us out there. I really felt it, and even though I might have known and understood it for a very long time but for the first time I actually felt it. I felt that I could fall in love over and over and over again. That's when I realised that destiny does not partake any role in our paths.

But what if it does? What if it crosses our paths together. What if you're not meant to be with only person in the world out there but instead meant to cross paths with a some. What if destiny gives you more than one chance to meet a certain someone. What then?

Doesn't destiny know better?
Yes I am talking about a particular someone. Someone that I was never supposed to be with. Someone that I could never actually BE with. It happened though. Against all odds, for a short period of time but it did, it happened.
The night it happened, after the blooming friendship took a dark turn, I discovered that he was present at a very influential day. A day that challenged my life. That day in the dead sea back in 2006 he was there in the very same hotel I was staying at. But we never crossed paths. He came to AUB he was here during my entire sophomore year. But did destiny not allow us to cross paths? Maybe destiny waited right until I realized I deserved better to introduce us. To put make us breathe the same oxygen. Even though i know realize meeting him at any other stage of me life would have results in the same things. Every single time.

When people are together they change a lot. And it is only when they change at the same pace in a similar way that they are able to stay together and make it work. But is it not strange to change at the same pace in a similar manner without even having known each other.

All in all its just one thought after the other. Whatever happened is already over before it even truly began. Every kiss. Every touch. Every memory underneath the moon light. Gone.

Aug. 10th, 2013

Just listen & agree already

You know that feeling when someone -or let's say a group of people that includes you're closest friends and family- suggests that you shouldn't do something and then subconsciously it becomes all you want to do. Whether it's to prove their point wrong or because you want to show them and yourself that you are the pilot to your own life. I think I recently realized that some of my immature decision making has been based on this factor.
It's hypocritical of me, too. Because I always complain that some people don't listen to me and end up regretting it...without even giving me a chance or saying thank you for trying after they realize that I had been right all along. And now I am doing the same except it was so subconscious and so attached to other things that I couldn't even see it.

Jul. 31st, 2013

Holding on when you have to let go

It's odd, the paths that life drives you through sometimes. I think I can officially say that I've reached a point where I'm done. I am simply over it. Not so much in that literal term I suppose. I guess I finally freed myself from the denial that I have been living in for a while. I can finally admit it to others and more importantly to myself that there is no future to this. That's it's just a game at this point. And even though all of those thoughts and emotions are mingling their way from my brain and into my heart, I just can seem to say the words to actually end it. To tell him. I suppose it could be because I am longing for one more kiss and one last touch...a touch that means something. At least to me.

Jun. 17th, 2013

Truly Madly Deeply...

Is it not funny when you realize that you're truly starting to let go not because you're not in love anymore but because you realized that you're the only one left that's hanging on so tight?

I reached a point in time where I feel the need to make a decision. Either to up the fight because this is not what I sacrificed so much for, or to block this path and attempt to find another. I read something a week ago "I hate how I can't imagine anything with anyone else because I imagined it all with you" and as pathetic as it is...it's so true! I got ahead of myself, I even excited myself for that future so much that it seems almost impossible to picture it otherwise. A furniture store was enough for me to see myself right there. In the place of all those happy couples.

There are so many worse things in the world and I know it. But I can't help but fall into this particular kind of agony. Whether I'll be holding on or letting go.

May. 28th, 2013

The truth?

So basically I am sick of not knowing the truth and I'm not trying to be dramatic here but I am talking about the normal things in our daily lives. Like is waxing actually bad for your underarms? Is shaving terrible? Are EMF radiations released from laptops so bad that you're not supposed to type on them directly? Are organic vegetables and fruits actually organic? Especially considering that in our own garden growing this stuff without pesticides is impossible. Trying to be healthy is much harder than people would expect...with all those opposing studies and theories.

Feb. 10th, 2013

The-universal-red-rose-heart-shaped-chocolate-teddy-bear Day

For the longest time I've had EVERYTHING against this so called "Valentine's Day" and it seemed significantly appropriate that my boyfriend did not either. For some reason I've been feeling differently recently. To be quite honest I'm not sure if I had those feelings before. But I feel this need to feel special on this particular marketing controlled day. Is it wrong to feel this way? Am I stupid to have those feelings? I don't know. Am I going to share this? I most definitely will not.

Aug. 23rd, 2011

Talk about big change..

   Is it just me or do all people feel this way when leaving high school and going off to college? I mean besides the fact that i am going to miss everything about highschool. MY School in specific. I am also going to miss my teachers, the buildings, my friends and how easy it was to get what you want in enviroment where you know everything!! You have it all settled into its rightful place...

  Today i was just sitting there and thinking and then i remembered how this year the start of the school year will be different...it won't be all about catching up with people and hugging all the people that you haven't seen all summer. It's going to be about meeting new people!!! It's just going to feel different.

   Why i don't mind? It's because i've been doing the whole "school" thing same people routine for a while. I guess i am sick of it. I love it but i need change!

Mar. 17th, 2011

I Guess in some way I am a firework

 For the very first time today i watched a part of the song firework's video.

It is absolutely amazing. It gave me goosebumps. I love it! I think i actually wanna watch it now. I have been told that it's really good, but i thought that i wouldn't like it.

It makes you feel that you're really worth something.

I remember the first time i listened to this song, my cousin was typing the lyrics on msn. He then told me to listen to the song, and i actually liked it even though i am not a big fan on pop music. The feeling that the song gives does blow you away.


It's all I can think about.

 I feel slightly obsessed, my last post was about universities and this is one is about *surprise surprise* universities.

I got rejected.
It's what I have been wanting for such a long time. But i didn't get it. I suppose i should get used it. Life doesn't  revolve around me.

I really wanted to do this. And after crying, nagging and painting on my wall:
I am now capable of gaining my strength and not giving up. LIFE GOES ON =)

I will get there ;)

Mar. 15th, 2011

Senior routine?

  For the past few months- if not more- my life as a "senior" has revolved around around universities and IB of course. But really every time i  see run into some it's the same question all over again "Where are you planning to study? When are you applying? What do you want to major in? You have to be quick deadlines are near!!"
  And for a while there my answer was always undecided, however around November '10 i decided where i want to go and what i want to do in the next 4 years.
  You'd think that things could only get easier from then on.
You're wrong.
You then discover the TRUE hassle of filling out all the forms and writing all the essay's and facing all the ugly deadlines- along with IB work of course.
After i finished all that i thought it's going to be great from now on, i am finally decided and done with all the work!
until yesterday.
About 10 people got accepted into the university that i want, the one that i am dreaming about the most. I didn't get accepted yet.
I simply can't wait, i keep checking my email and i am on a constant panic mood! I don't even know what to do about it!
I don't want to be disappointed in the end and at the same time i can't wait any longer than i already have.
The funny thing is that every senior i know is going through the same fucked up process, that it's not even funny. It's like a life style for all 12th graders that are planning to have a future after high school.